Building the Capacity for Positive, Meaningful, Parental Involvement...Let’s Start with Fair Expectations

I love being involved in my children’s education the way that I am.  I see the opportunities I take advantage of, as a way of focusing on the positive, and way for me to cope with what is.  My husband happily supports my passion because he views my time away at meetings, conferences, and workshops, as free education and training for my job as a mother.  I have made a commitment to myself to be an advocate because I love it and I need it.

I am meeting new people all the time and I am getting to know other religions, cultures, and people with diverse abilities, I’m convinced!  We all want love and belonging, we all want to feel valued, and we all want to feel safe and successful. 

Lately, I have noticed that people have stopped telling me inclusion doesn’t work; now what I hear is that inclusion can only work when parents are involved like I am.  No brag, just fact folks....I am really into this shit!  I plan to take this bus to the end!  I am committed to social justice for all!!  To expect all parents who have a vision for inclusion, to feel driven  to work countless hours and endure more stress and challenges a midst their already incredibly stress-filled lives, is very unfair.  Think of a single mom who may be new to our country, or a loving foster mother who is already feeling stretched too thin, for example.

 All children have the right to receive the same considerations as my child....especially if their families are overwhelmed or in crisis!  Yet it seems that they only way to make things happen within the system for a child, is to be a tireless, posistive volunteer and a fierce advocate (and sadly but truthfully, 35 yr old, middle class, white woman doesn’t hurt either).  I hope that I am able to use my strengths (and society's weaknesses) to open doors, and with grace, hold them open for others behind me, just as others have graciously done for me.

I think it is very important for parents to be involved when they can be.  I also believe that it is very important to build the capacity within the system to support families when they need it, whether they understand the “proper channels” to follow or not.  An inclusive education model must not rest on the condition that the parents are willing to “work for the school” because many parents can’t for many reasons. 

The expectations for the role of the parent need to be flexible and supportive.  More and more parents are beginning to spend more and more time at our school.  Why?  It’s because we feel welcome.  It is not unusual to see a cluster of moms enter a home across from the school for tea after they drop their kids off, or a few parents hanging out in the staff room having coffee with one another.  It is wonderful to have so many present, active volunteers and to be a part of developing life- long friendships.

Our Principal has talked about creating a Parent Resource room at our school I think it is a great idea!  I was doing some research I think next week, I’m going to talk to him about calling it the Parent/Teacher Resource Room, and inviting space, with coffee, furniture, flowers, books, and a computer where parents and teachers can feel as though we are really all in this together!

Relational Leadership is about process.

The process component of the Relational Leadership Model means that individuals interact with others and that leaders and other participants work together to accomplish change. The process creates energy, synergy, and momentum.

(McMahon, 2007)

We're Gonna Be Alright...Right? Right.

I try to be positive, I’m not always successful.  I have been feeling rather shitty lately...heart broken actually.  You’d think that by now, we would be used to unexpected bumps in the road.  I actually got very comfortable with the lack of medical equipment, doctor appointments, and tests.  The education world is more fun to advocate within.  I consider myself a very capable advocate in the medical world and I feel confident that I do a good job of making educated decisions regarding Carson’s health care, the same way I do for his education, but I do not share the same passion and positive feelings in health care that I do for education.  Dreaming about educating our children to adulthood has been so uplifting; focusing on a vision for their futures has been so relieving, a great break from choices about surgeries, invasive testing, medication changes, and life sustaining efforts.

Lately, Carson has me worried again.  His seizures have changed; increasing meds seems only to contribute to decreased mobility and a lack of desire to participate in life.  His breathing patterns have changed, yet recent visits to the doctor reveled clear lungs, nose and throat.  Carson’s head circumference has decreased from the 50^th to the 40^th percentile over the past year and a half (this is down from the 90^th at birth), and he has another urinary tract infection that he is on antibiotics for.  He has an EEG, a sedated MRI, a VCUG, and a sedated DMSA renal scan scheduled, as well as an upcoming visit to see his Neurologist.  I am so happy to have everything come together so quickly, it has only been a few weeks since I began to get concerned.  I love our Pediatrician; she is always (for 8 years) so responsive to my concerns, waiting for tests and results isn’t easy...I dread it.



It is hard not to be afraid of times like these.

Last night, Blade told me that he misses “happy mommy”.  That’s a tough one to hear,  I wish I could tell you that in times of stress, I am able to keep on “acting as if until it is” but the truth is, sometimes all I can do is say ”AS IF!”  I am incredibly grateful that my little boy is brave enough to be so honest with me, as hard as it is to hear that from him, he is probably the best person to motivate me, to get off the pity pot.

This afternoon when I took Blade his lunch, I had a conversation with a beautiful woman who shared her heart with me.  She told me that I remind her of her, 13 yrs ago when she lost her little girl after 7 long months in the hospital.  Everyone around her told her she was always smiling and happy and so strong, and that is how she sees me.

This is where I choose to thank God for the messages I needed to help me find my way again.  I woke up this morning vowing to be “happy mommy”, I wasn’t sure how, but I resolved to give it a damn good effort.  When I heard that woman express her understanding of the place I’m in, and compare me to her, I was reminded that we will get through this!  This woman is so beautiful, so loving, and so generous.  There is no hint of anger or resentment and she has survived the loss of her precious little girl.  Her heart is still whole and she is still strong, she still smiles...she is still a wonderful mother to her 2 other children.

I have had a good cry, and now I am ready to pull my big girl panties up!  I will be grateful for the break we have had from this kind of worry, it allowed me to focus on school and community which has widened our circle of support considerably.  It also gave me time to have the clarity to develop a strong, new vision for Carson’s future...  

                                                           Our Vision for Carson

It is our vision to see Carson surrounded by great people with positive assumptions.  Through peer support and the use of assistive technology, Carson will participate with his classmates in many dynamic learning opportunities and age-appropriate experiences.  He will have regular opportunities to build and strengthen relationships with his peers.  He will form strong bonds, just like Meagan and Blade.  He will find his very best friend and a passion all his own.  He will feel confident and safe through the challenges that life offers.

This leg of our journey will conclude with our youngest child taking his turn to cross the stage.  I imagine he’ll walk fast, with his head a few inches before his feet…straight for the diploma and a man hug:) then, he’ll take his moment in the spotlight, with his arms out, and his head back, while friends and family hoot and holler!  With his unruly hair peeking out from his grad cap, and his gown just a little too long, he’ll reach up and throw his hat high in the air!  Then, like most Graduates, he will go party with his friends and his big brother, while we stay back, and worry about them getting home safely.

Ronan and I will always play a huge role in our children’s lives; they will keep us close and count on us.  We will instill a love of learning and they will never stop!

No amount of worry can rob me of this vision....it's out there!